Today's dharma talk centered around how we relate to what we feel are the "bad" parts of ourselves. The parts that we think need changing, need improving. We badger ourselves to change. Then we rebel. Relating to ourselves in this way ends up backfiring. We feel WORSE about ourselves as our shadows grow bigger and more frightening. We try again to get rid of them. Our lovers try to get rid of them. Our friends try to get rid of them. Our therapists try to get rid of them. They may disappear for a time but it doesn't stick.
By "them" I mean anything we think is standing in the way of our inherent right to wholeness. It might be anger, anxiety, or a a busy mind. It might be an addictive behavior like overeating, spending, or using numbing substances. Our usual way is to turn away from these shadows. Get rid of them. But most of us know that they keep coming back. Like the proverbial weed that springs up because we didn't acknowledge and tend to the root.
In meditation practice, we begin to see our shadows more clearly. This is good news. But typically, as soon as it's seen, we add what Buddha called the "second arrow." We don't like what we see. We turn away from it. We feel shame. We feel somehow deeply flawed. Then we try as hard as we can to get rid of our "bad" parts. This doesn't work. So, what does?
I think of my shadows more and more these days as little children. Indeed, they were most likely born out of unmet childhood needs. They feel really young and ancient; like I've never known myself without them. As I've learned through practice, what these shadows really need is some kind of love. I've suffered from the belief that I shouldn't be anxious most of my life. My anxiety has been the enemy. My teacher told me many years ago to open up the container of practice; to include my anxiety. It's a healing practice to ask what the shadow NEEDS. Does it want acceptance, acknowledgment, space, love? Ask your shadow what it needs. Practice giving it that. Practice letting it be OK. Practice wholeness.
It's from this space that true change can occur. This is different from discernment. We may see clearly that our addiction to food or shopping is causing us suffering. But when we add the layer of "bad" as in, "I'm a terrible person for doing/feeling this" we step into the realm of the second arrow. And we suffer. Alternately, we can extend love to our shadows. It's not permission to act in self-destructive ways. It's just a sincere acknowledgment of our condition and an intention to relate to it in a loving way.
Whatever form your shadow may be taking, ask it what it most needs from you. Chances are it needs to be included in a loving way. This is the gateway to wholeness.
Deep Gassho,
Chikyo
The soul longs to express itself through you. 
