The prison of shame

I remember not long ago sitting in the car coming home from the Norton Simon museum with my husband. The fire of rage was blowing up my face out my mouth. Screaming at the top of my lungs.

An hour or so earlier we were in the gift store and I impulsively bought a few gifts for the kids. I sensed my husbands disapproval and lashed out defenses blazing....I should be able to buy a few things for our kids! What do I work so hard for if I can't buy something now and then! I'm sick of you judging me!

I often set an intention of sticking to a budget and to be mindful of how much I spend. I find myself slipping back into this old cycle of spending money impulsively. It's never a lot but it is driven by unconscious wanting. But there is a deeper layer of shame that folds over the wanting. I'm ashamed of this wanting and the behavior it drives.

After my explosion I sat silent in the car. I allowed myself to just feel and to my surprise I started sobbing. Huge tears of grief over how much I disliked these parts of myself. I admitted to my husband that I was reacting to his disapproval with the force of my own condemnation.

When I feel that something quite human, like trying to quench desire with material objects, is shameful, the shame shrouds my clarity. When it's no big deal I can redirect myself in a healthier way. When it is indicative of the terrible person I am, it creates a cycle of unconscious reacting and defending.

The issue isn't really the spending, but how I relate to my own wanting and ways I try to satisfy it. Just touching my heart in those moments and forgiving myself, compassion flows through me for myself and every other being trying to quench their wanting. . It also gives me the space to make another choice; and forgive myself if I don't.