Gratitude in the Darkness

I pinched a nerve in my mid back a few days ago. This is an unusual thing for me. It still hurts after going for massage and seeing a chiropractor. I am now realizing this isn't going away. I have to find a way to live with it and treat it. Take care of it. It hurts like hell and I feel stiff and grumpy. "it could be worse" I've been told. I hate this kind of comment. When I look more deeply I find this same kind of commentary within myself.


I have been judging myself for not dealing better with this condition...appalled at how it has colored my world. It's only a pinched nerve after all. It could be a lot worse. And I have much to be grateful for!


I think this is how many of us treat our shadows. We try to get rid of them by ignoring them and looking at the "bright side." If we aren't doing that we are wallowing in our misery..."Why me?'. Either stance assumes there is something wrong with how we are feeling. If we can bring awareness to what is true and then offer forgiveness to that, we can begin to touch real gratitude.


For example, my truth as I write this is ..."I'm in pain. I'm worried I won't get better. I'm grumpy and I shouldn't be.". I say this to myself with my hand over my heart taking deep full breathes. This allows me some space and I feel a natural compassion toward myself.


Now I can practice gratitude. Only after I have acknowledged and met the shadow can I open up my lens of awareness to include my pain AND my joy. Without the former I feel cut off and my gratitude practice feels fake. On the other hand without a gratitude practice I may miss out on the joy available and happening in my life in each moment.


The inquiry here is: What am I grateful for?  My kids immediately come to my awareness.  Another breathe...again the question.  My husband and his support, gentleness, and love.  Another breathe...the question.  My practice.  Slowly my perspective opens.  I feel more spacious.  More grateful.  Less identified with my pain.  I feel grateful for my life as it is.  My pain and difficulty seen and accepted, they come with me as I embrace what I most love in my life.

"Our Love Grew Roots then Wings"
2011

The Call to Pray....Taking Refuge in Unconditional Love

As a child growing up in a household that was inconsistent, unstable, and confusing prayer was one of my true refuges.  I can remember going to church with my grandparents and kneeling on the pew praying to god to HELP ME.  It always worked.  Somehow I would be relieved of the weight of my pain.

God for me was always this supportive and wise energy that I could surrender to.  Now when I take refuge in prayer, I often turn to the archetypal energy of the divine mother.  I have her image on my alter and when I sit, I sit in her arms.

For those of us who have experienced trauma, to just simply be with the painful feelings without a sense of support can be re-traumatizing.  It is necessary to experience the pain of trauma WITH the support of unconditional loving presence.  Having our experience held in this way is what serves in healing.  The support of others who can REALLY hear us and hold space for the difficulty we are experiencing WHILE we are experiencing pain.

What supports you?  Is there a person, archetype, or animal who you feel loves you unconditionally?  In your daily practice, experiment with inviting this supportive presence in with you as you are experiencing something difficult.  Allow yourself to be held and heard.  Seek support from those who you feel can support you (therapist, friend, partner, etc).  Relational wounds often need to be healed in RELATIONSHIP.  How can you let in unconditional love?