The prison of shame

I remember not long ago sitting in the car coming home from the Norton Simon museum with my husband. The fire of rage was blowing up my face out my mouth. Screaming at the top of my lungs.

An hour or so earlier we were in the gift store and I impulsively bought a few gifts for the kids. I sensed my husbands disapproval and lashed out defenses blazing....I should be able to buy a few things for our kids! What do I work so hard for if I can't buy something now and then! I'm sick of you judging me!

I often set an intention of sticking to a budget and to be mindful of how much I spend. I find myself slipping back into this old cycle of spending money impulsively. It's never a lot but it is driven by unconscious wanting. But there is a deeper layer of shame that folds over the wanting. I'm ashamed of this wanting and the behavior it drives.

After my explosion I sat silent in the car. I allowed myself to just feel and to my surprise I started sobbing. Huge tears of grief over how much I disliked these parts of myself. I admitted to my husband that I was reacting to his disapproval with the force of my own condemnation.

When I feel that something quite human, like trying to quench desire with material objects, is shameful, the shame shrouds my clarity. When it's no big deal I can redirect myself in a healthier way. When it is indicative of the terrible person I am, it creates a cycle of unconscious reacting and defending.

The issue isn't really the spending, but how I relate to my own wanting and ways I try to satisfy it. Just touching my heart in those moments and forgiving myself, compassion flows through me for myself and every other being trying to quench their wanting. . It also gives me the space to make another choice; and forgive myself if I don't.

Gratitude in the Darkness

I pinched a nerve in my mid back a few days ago. This is an unusual thing for me. It still hurts after going for massage and seeing a chiropractor. I am now realizing this isn't going away. I have to find a way to live with it and treat it. Take care of it. It hurts like hell and I feel stiff and grumpy. "it could be worse" I've been told. I hate this kind of comment. When I look more deeply I find this same kind of commentary within myself.


I have been judging myself for not dealing better with this condition...appalled at how it has colored my world. It's only a pinched nerve after all. It could be a lot worse. And I have much to be grateful for!


I think this is how many of us treat our shadows. We try to get rid of them by ignoring them and looking at the "bright side." If we aren't doing that we are wallowing in our misery..."Why me?'. Either stance assumes there is something wrong with how we are feeling. If we can bring awareness to what is true and then offer forgiveness to that, we can begin to touch real gratitude.


For example, my truth as I write this is ..."I'm in pain. I'm worried I won't get better. I'm grumpy and I shouldn't be.". I say this to myself with my hand over my heart taking deep full breathes. This allows me some space and I feel a natural compassion toward myself.


Now I can practice gratitude. Only after I have acknowledged and met the shadow can I open up my lens of awareness to include my pain AND my joy. Without the former I feel cut off and my gratitude practice feels fake. On the other hand without a gratitude practice I may miss out on the joy available and happening in my life in each moment.


The inquiry here is: What am I grateful for?  My kids immediately come to my awareness.  Another breathe...again the question.  My husband and his support, gentleness, and love.  Another breathe...the question.  My practice.  Slowly my perspective opens.  I feel more spacious.  More grateful.  Less identified with my pain.  I feel grateful for my life as it is.  My pain and difficulty seen and accepted, they come with me as I embrace what I most love in my life.

"Our Love Grew Roots then Wings"
2011

The Call to Pray....Taking Refuge in Unconditional Love

As a child growing up in a household that was inconsistent, unstable, and confusing prayer was one of my true refuges.  I can remember going to church with my grandparents and kneeling on the pew praying to god to HELP ME.  It always worked.  Somehow I would be relieved of the weight of my pain.

God for me was always this supportive and wise energy that I could surrender to.  Now when I take refuge in prayer, I often turn to the archetypal energy of the divine mother.  I have her image on my alter and when I sit, I sit in her arms.

For those of us who have experienced trauma, to just simply be with the painful feelings without a sense of support can be re-traumatizing.  It is necessary to experience the pain of trauma WITH the support of unconditional loving presence.  Having our experience held in this way is what serves in healing.  The support of others who can REALLY hear us and hold space for the difficulty we are experiencing WHILE we are experiencing pain.

What supports you?  Is there a person, archetype, or animal who you feel loves you unconditionally?  In your daily practice, experiment with inviting this supportive presence in with you as you are experiencing something difficult.  Allow yourself to be held and heard.  Seek support from those who you feel can support you (therapist, friend, partner, etc).  Relational wounds often need to be healed in RELATIONSHIP.  How can you let in unconditional love?

My Deepest Longing

Pausing is such a profound yet simple practice.  Pausing with the question, "What is my deepest longing?" will add a depth to your inquiry that may surprise and delight you.

What is MY deepest longing right now?

May I be at peace
May I be happy
May I love completely and allow myself to be loved
May I express myself in an authentic and creative way

So, for those of you earnest and longing to deepen your practice of knowing what your life is REALLY about.

1. Set a timer to go off periodically throughout the day.  I set my phone to remind my every two hours.  You do what works for you.
2. When the timer goes off pause...if you can... and take three full breaths.
3. Sense what is true IN YOUR BODY.  Are you feeling good?  Bad?  Not sure?  Is there gripping? Openness?  A strong emotion?  Try to stay connected to the body and let go of the tendency to THINK about your experience.  A WORDLESS knowing is totally fine.
4. Ask, "What is my deepest Longing?"  then..ask again!  and again!  and again!  This is the power of inquiry.  We will often find that the first answer seems shallow but then we dive deeper and somehow our heart can't help but respond.
5. If you can, say it OUT LOUD.  There is power to language.  It engages the frontal lobes of the brain...or the more evolved brain.  

You don't need to solve anything with this practice.  AWARENESS itself is the medicine.  Just acknowledging what is true....what your true LONGING is will connect you with your own tender, open heart.  

Boundless love to you all on the path,

Carina

Noticing JOY

A few photos of joy moments.  I made a practice of taking pictures of the things/moments that opened my heart.  This is powerful.  Changes the chemistry of the body/mind.  I must acknowledge the work of Tara Brach.  She makes all her dharma talks available FOR FREE on her website: tarabrach.com.  

Love to you all,

Carina

Four Practices for Everyday Life

After meditation group today I touched on some practices to bring our PRACTICE into daily life.  I thank my Dharma Dad, Dr. Andrew Shugyo Bonnici, for helping pave my way when I was first making this inquiry and for SHOWING me for the last 12 years what it looks like to bring this very special practice into all aspects of my lay life.  Tara Brach's work has also helped to inform these four basic principles for "informal" practice.

Be gentle with yourself
   
In all that you notice about your experience, regard it with gentleness.  If you notice feeling angry, be gentle with yourself.  If you notice craving, be gentle with yourself.  If you act in a way you find distasteful, be gentle with yourself.  It can help to imagine regarding these parts of yourself as young children longing for your love and attention.  It is just so.

Be in your body

Throughout the day practice "coming to your senses." Whenever you remember, feel your body from the inside out.  Feel your hands turning the doorknob, holding the steering wheel, or petting your dog.  Feel your feet on the earth as you walk.  Feel the sensations of warm water on your skin as you take a shower. This simple practice opens up your awareness to include much more than just the busy thinking mind with its endless stories, commentary, and judgements.  You will notice it is much more difficult to get "hooked" by your stories when you are wholly embodied.


Pause

Periodically throughout your day pause.  Take three deep breaths.  Then inquire, what is my experience in my body right now?  You may notice agitation.  You may notice fear.  You may notice craving. You may  notice ease.  You may notice anger.  Then practice opening around the feeling by letting your body get really soft.  Place your hand on your heart and just acknowledge what's true..."yes, there's fear here." Or, "yes, there is anger here."  If you have time you may look more deeply by simply feeling the sensations of the body more fully.  See if they have something to say.  "Yes, I'm afraid I won't be able to handle what the future holds. " "Yes, I'm angry because I feel unheard."  Don't spin off into stories about it.  And don't worry if nothing comes to you.  Practicing in this way will allow you to broaden your container of awareness to INCLUDE your experience with gentleness.

Notice and let in moments of joy

Anytime you notice feeling joyful, consciously notice it.  It may only last half a second, but when things strike you as being beautiful or joyful pause with it.  Your child's smile.  Your husband's laugh.  The blooming poppy.  The smell of jasmine.  A friend's support.  Train in noticing what's good.  This strengthens your connection to the resources available to you in every moment.  It doesn't mean things are perfect!  In fact, this is rarely the case.  But practice noticing goodness in the midst of what may seem like a shitty day or a shitty week.  We must not wait to live.

"Our Lady of Strength and Surrender"

Making my own SPACE

I've been working in the kitchen and the dining room table making my little treasures.  I didn't think we had enough SPACE for me to have my own to make all the things coming out from my budding domestic goddess heart.  Then I realized I had to reconstruct my idea of SPACE.  And I realized I do indeed have it in our large living room walk in closet. Small but Spacious.

Another angle of Depth

Old school built in dresser

Depth

How do I have the time to make ANYTHING with 2 kids under 4 is a question I get often.  PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE.  Practicing being a mother and allowing everything in.  Practicing letting love pierce my heart.  Practicing knowing that my life is EACH BREATH and EACH MINUTE.  15 minutes of time is spent MAKING my beautiful life these days.  You'd be surprised at what you can do in 15 minutes.  An hour is absolute bliss.

There is nothing like MOTHERHOOD that has made me appreciate the art of adornment.  I remember my Aunt Carol telling me how she bought black bras after the birth of her first son (hope she doesn't mind me sharing).  But I get it.  When I dress up for the day...meaning I take some time to ask myself what I really WANT to wear...I feel like a woman.  A mother.  THE mother.  Eternal feminine.

My life is too short NOT to wear pretty things EVERY DAY.  I'm loving seeing woman putting on my handmade hats and then, after looking in the mirror, their face glows that ever stunning feminine radiance.  That I'M AMAZING look.  True.  Women are amazing.  But I guess we forget.  I know I forget.  And it's nice to make things that make us remember, whether it be a hat or a painting from my exploding heart.

My amazingly talented design friend Melissa Lundby is helping me sort it all out, buy what I need, and arrange the space the way it can work best for me.  I'm so grateful for truly talented girlfriends.

If you want to visit some of my ideas for my new making space check out "
pinterest.com/carinastratton/ideas-for-my-new-making-space/

Will keep you posted.

xoxo
Carina

Handmade Hats and Accessories

I will be at the Indie Patchwork Festival on May 20th from 11am-5pm here in Long Beach at Marine Stadium off of Appian way.  Come check out my hats, headbands, pillows, robes, and prints.  There are other amazing artists showing their wares as well.  

These are some hats and apparel from my handmade collection.  For a full selection visit my etsy shop: www.etsy.com/shop/carinastratton

Fine Art

My work blossomed after being blown open by the miraculous, wondrous, and sometimes terrifying journey of motherhood.  All of my pieces are both informed and inspired by my sitting practice which helps to unlock the whimsical and sacred images from my heart. I paint women because I am continually called to explore the archetypes within the feminine. I long to bring us all under the red tent to remember our sacred intuition, compassion, and timeless wisdom.